Mindful Communications Read online

  Mindful Communications

  Build Better Relationships and Improve Your Personal and Professional Life!

  Laura Thompson

  Copyright © 2017 Laura Thompson. All rights reserved. ISBN: 978-1542926409 ISBN-10: 1542926408

  DEDICATION

  To everyone who has been a part of my life personally and professionally because you all have made an impact on my life’s journey to be continued onwards and upwards

  worldwide.

  CONTENTS

  The Art of Mindful Communications ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching. Coaches Training Institute.

  Columbia Business School.

  Zen Buddhism.

  Thich Nhat Hanh.

  Friends, Family, Colleagues, and Clients.

  i

  THE ART OF MINDFUL COMMUNICATIONS

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  The art of mindful communications combines effective listening with awareness of yourself and others. Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese Zen Master, says that once you learn to commune with yourself, you’re better able to communicate with others with empathy and compassion. You can develop all these skills at the same time.

  Initially, I’ll describe three levels of listening: Subjective, Objective, and Intuitive. Examples and practice techniques will be given to illustrate how listening is an active process, not passive. Thereafter, I’ll explore connecting and communicating with yourself to understand mindful awareness. These two principles are the foundation of becoming a mindful communicator.

  After all, don’t all of us want a better world to li ve in, and the opportunity to have more meaningful, loving, and productive relationships, whether it’s with our family and friends or collaborating with our colleagues or being of service to our clients? The answer is yes, and… The first principle building the foundation of becoming a mindful communicator begins with the three levels of effective listening. The first level of listening is characterized by “Subjective Listening” and it’s how most people conduct a conversation. It’s more about the listener’s agenda and how his or her experiences relate back to what the other person is saying.

  Let’s take an example of two female startup entrepreneurs who are hardworking, motivated about building their respective businesses, and supportive of one another. On a very hot, sunny, and humid day in Manhattan with a heat index of 108°F, Claire decides to go to Central Park and calls Margot. Claire says, “I can’t work today. I don’t know what’s the matter with me. My air conditioning is not working properly, the humidity makes it hard for me to breathe and here I am, sitting on a rock under the shade of the gorgeous trees in Central Park.”

  Margot replies based on how she’s handled similar situations in the past. Margot says, “I’ve learned to let myself take it easy whenever I couldn’t concentrate or be productive and found the following day, I was able to accomplish everything I wanted to do and much more. Just take it easy.”

  Although this sounds like good advice from a friend and colleague, Margot related to Claire’s problem based on her own, past experiences. There is nothing wrong with subjective listening but it is based more on the listener’s experience versus the needs of the person who initiated the conversation. In this case, Claire might have agreed with the kind advice or felt frustrated because she wasn’t seeking a solution since she only needed someone to listen to her woes.

  Most times, women support one another without advice but will relate similar experiences as a means of sympathizing whereas men often listen with the intent of coming up with solutions. The key word here is need. What are the needs of the person you are listening to? This takes us to the second level of listening called “Objective Listening”.

  Objective listening is focused on what the speaker is saying without adding the listener’s personal agenda. It’s effective because the listener lets the speaker know that he or she has really listened and cares about what is being said, in effect, acknowledging what the speaker has said and validating how the speaker feels. Practicing objective listening, along with acknowledgement and validation increases the skill of effectively communicating at a higher level. We want to keep increasing our level of listening skills step by step until we become a master at listening thereby creating the life we want to lead.

  Now, we’ll take two colleagues working for a large, financial institution and illustrate this second level of objective listening. Sami complains to his colleague Michelle, “I have the world’s worst boss. He’s a jerk. They should have promoted me rather than hire that guy from the outside. He doesn’t have a clue how this division works.” Michelle replies, “It’s normal to be upset because you felt that you should have been the one promoted.”

  In this case, Michelle demonstrated that she really listened and cared about what Sami said by acknowledging his desire to be promoted and validating his feelings of being upset but with no judgment. Michelle didn’t take sides with Sami agreeing that the boss is a jerk.

  Instead, Michelle validated Sami’s perception of the situation because she didn’t know the boss’s point of view. This illustrates how everyone has diverse perspectives in viewing situations because of their different past experiences.

  Developing the additional skill of comprehending differing viewpoints enhances communication among people in all areas of their lives. The objective is to effectively communicate so that we have better relationships that are positive in nature which brings us to the third level of listening, “Intuitive Listening”.

  As we fine tune our listening skills, this third level is an excellent one to operate from on a consistent basis. It’s like listening from a 360° perspective. The listener pays attention to the speaker’s tone of voice, picks up on his or her energy vibration, his or her body language, his or her feelings, on top of what’s being conveyed through the conversation. The listener intuitively connects with the speaker picking up on the underlying message.

  Sometimes, it ’s about what the speaker is not telling the listener and it’s for the listener to act like a detective and uncover the real message. I’ll admit this is a skillset that coaches practice with their clients such as myself so that we can find out what’s really important to our clients as well as understand who they really are and how that’s different from the façade that they portray to the world. This is important because we all want to lead authentic lives.

  Besides coaches utilizing intuitive listening, this is a valuable skill for everyone to have, in order to establish better communications, achieve win-win scenarios, create amiable relationships, build cooperative communities, and eventually, world peace. Is that dream unattainable? No, steady progress and practice can move all of us towards this multidimensional listening paradigm.

  Here’s an example of intuitive listening between two friends. Anne says, “I saw my ex-boyfriend on the front page of the Lifestyle section of The New York Times with his wife and their new born baby in our old apartment. I had to go to my psychologist because I was so angry.”

  First, Marie acknowledges the situation and validates Anne’s emotions by replying, “I’m so sorry. This must have been really upsetting to you.” Then, Marie answers based on a feeling, rather than thinking too much about it, saying, “Maybe this is showing you that you really do want to get married and have children one day.”

  In this scenario, Marie knew Anne’s backstory because of their friendship, however, you don’t need to know the person intimately to utilize intuitive listening. It’s a matter of being aware and mindfully present with the speaker as though they’re the only person in the world that matters to you at that moment without external interruptions like looking at cellphone messages or taking incoming calls.

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; In this type of exchange, the speaker has the listener’s undivided attention. It can take seconds, a couple of minutes, or ten minutes with the result that both of you walk away feeling satisfied rather than frustrated or hurt.

  Practice intuitive listening at home with your family, at work with your colleagues, with your clients, and also, while socializing with your friends. Remember to have some fun and not take life too seriously.

  Over time, yo u’ll notice how your relationships become more loving, productive, and meaningful. Being aware and practicing these three types of listening methods, “subjective”, “objective”, and “intuitive,” with the focus on intuitive listening, improves your effective listening skills.

  The second principle centers around connecting and communicating with yourself with deep presence to understand mindful awareness. These two principles create the foundation for the art of mindful communications. The second principle will be illustrated below and is best achieved through three proven techniques: being centered and grounded through breath, meditating, and understanding what has caused suffering in your life.

  Many people agree that focusing on breath and meditating make them feel more physically connected to their body and aware of their mind while understanding the causes of their own suffering help them respond with empathy and compassion for themselves and others. Developing the skillset of becoming a great communicator through the art of mindful communications is important because we all want more meaningful, loving, and productive relationships.

  Beginning with breath, my yoga teacher, Dineen, has us sit, stand or lay down depending on what suits our physical fitness best. She then has us breathe in, hold the breath for a few seconds, then breathe out, and repeat the process three times which appears to be the magical number for initiating mindful relaxation.

  Breathing exercises ground and center us in our bodies as well as create mindful awareness of our physical presence. As we breathe, Dineen asks us to notice where we feel tension and breathe into the tension to release it. Most of us carry tension in our neck and shoulders and lower back.

  Every time I breathe deeply into the area holding my stress, that invariably releases it. After these breathing exercises, my body feels physically nourished, grounded, and centered.

  Depending on your temperament and passion, you can achieve this sensation of feeling centered through walking, dancing, bicycling, swimming, golfing, horseback riding or whatever physical activity connects you to your body while receiving pleasure.

  Sports can get you into the zone — that is, a meditative state — and act as a means of healing yourself and connecting with your inner being. Choose what works best for you — whatever makes your life enjoyable.

  Once you’re grounded and centered physically, the next steps towards learning to communicate with yourself can be done through meditation, writing down your thoughts and emotions in a journal, and discussing with others their own proven models.

  Personally, I like to meditate and write in my journal on a daily basis because it brings me peace and insight. Since not everyone is a writer, I’ll discuss meditation as a means of quieting the endless chatter in your mind, letting go, and witnessing what is said or not said with your inner voice. Eventually, you’ll experience peace and unconditional love.

  Most of my Buddhist friends, some of them laymen monks, say you can meditate sitting down, walking, or exercising. Meditating can be for one minute, ten minutes, an hour, all day long, or even longer. It’s a way of connecting with your inner self and your inner voice, becoming more aware of yourself, learning to love yourself as you are, having compassion for who you are, forgiving yourself — essentially, self-care. Meditation is a big door opener, helping you to dive deeper into the nuances of your life.

  The last element deals with the notion of suffering. Once you’ve figured out what has caused your suffering, you become empathetic and compassionate towards others who have experienced similar situations; therefore, guiding better communications. We have all suffered in different ways because we are all on our own unique journey in life.

  One of the ways I suffered in life was losing the love of my life. He abandoned me. I felt depleted and empty of love with none left to give to others, let alone myself when it happened. I felt like a victim and hit rock bottom until I was able to get back up and take responsibility for my own actions that contributed to the breakup. As the old adage goes, “It takes two to tango.”

  With that realization, I was able to shift my energy level from being a victim to a higher energy level characterized by mindful awareness. Also, I view my trials and tribulations as learning experiences. I ask myself what is the lesson I’m meant to learn, then I take a deep dive and discover the reason.

  This particular experience had me dig very deep for answers. I centered and grounded myself through breath and exercise, meditated, wrote in my journal as a way to connect to my emotions that helped me to understand and let go, and discussed with friends and colleagues on their proven methods on how to deal with life’s curve balls. All of these techniques led to my epiphany that love is boundless.

  What a powerful learning experience! Because I suffered, I learned that love is boundless. Apparently, this was a big lesson I had to learn in life. As a result, I’m able to unconditionally love without judgment on a much deeper level than ever before and know the source is never ending.

  Moreover, I learned forgiveness, how to understand my ex-significant other from his point of view and develop compassion for his circumstances that triggered the rupture in our relationship. I’m grateful for this powerful learning experience. It often comes from the people closest to us.

  All my various forms of suffering throughout life have made me more understanding, compassionate, loving, and kind towards myself and others. Although there are many different ways, the three mindful awareness practices that I have focused on – centering and grounding through breath, meditation, and understanding the source of our suffering that leads to empathy and compassion for others

  – can assist us all on our journey through life. Reflect back on your life utilizing these tools. Ask yourself how you can become a better communicator? Decipher—what has caused you to suffer?

  When you practice these concepts on a daily basis, it carries over to the people around you like a ripple effect. These tips are meant to nudge you onto the path of selfcommunication leading to better communications with others based on empathy and compassion.

  This is a lifelong process. Have patience with yourself and others. Maintain steady progress. There will be inherent bumps along the path, forks in the road, and choices to be made.

  Once you’ve connected inwardly, your ability to connect outwardly with the external influences of your world grows. You will be better equipped to manage and overcome difficult conversations and situations as well as explore possibilities to create win-win scenarios.

  Remember to breathe, smile, and respect each person you encounter such as the Indians, Nepalese, and many others who use the ancient Sanskrit greeting “Namaste” roughly translated as “My spirit honors the spirit within you”.

  In essence, honoring another with peace and respect assists in better communications because you become mindfully aware of both yourself and the other. Therefore, you’re able to listen and speak by understanding multiple perspectives that lead to resolving conflict, reaching agreements, figuring out solutions, and exploring infinite opportunities.

  Communicating mindfully creates a better life for you, your entourage, and the rest of the world. We are the world. Let’s use our presence wisely with mindfulness and awareness so that we can continue on in our journey in practicing the art of mindful communications together.

  Steven R. Covey, author of #1 National Bestseller, “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” said, “Change—real change—comes from the inside out.” Hence, self-awareness enables you to lead the life you desire and be who you want to be while being mindfully present with those ar
ound you, thereby, creating a better world to live in—this is a paradigm to consciously strive for and improve upon over time.

  Last but not least as an anecdote, I believe in the art of civility through communications. Start by smiling at the people in your life, your neighbors, strangers walking down the street, your colleagues at work, you get the picture.

  As I live in Manhattan in a skyscraper, we have a doorman who greets everyone with “Happy Monday” or “Happy, Happy Tuesday” for every day of the week. He’s sincere and brings happiness to all the tenants that he encounters. He’ll be remembered for his positive upbeat personality.

  It’s not very hard to smile at someone. They just might have needed your smile at that moment to uplift their spirit. Smiles are usually passed on, moving the positive action forward. In short, practicing being positive with yourself and others makes the world around you more pleasant.

  In a conversation with people, use these simple skills that don’t need explaining: Listen with respect; think before you speak by asking yourself what might be the consequences of what you say; don’t interrupt the speaker, that is, let the speaker finish his or her own sentences; don’t be distracted with incoming calls or texts o n your cell phone; be engaged by asking pertinent questions showing that you’re genuinely paying attention and interested; be yourself as you are appreciated; say a kind word; and be grateful.

  These practices can vastly improve communicating effectively with civility. Remember we’re responsible for what we say to others; it’s a reflection of who we are. How do you want to be remembered?

  In conclusion, this journey was about learning how to become a mindful communicator. We explored three types of effective listening skills — subjective, objective, and intuitive. We discovered connecting and communicating with oneself to understand mindful awareness through breath, meditation, and suffering. On a lighter note, we advocated for listening, speaking, and behaving with civility. These blended elements comprise the art of mindful communications.